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going grey

Swimming in new waters, all of us. A message waiting from Anna when I got in this afternoon, her voice crooning with bliss – “He’s in my arms, asleep – no monitors, he can sleep in my room tonight. We’re just sitting here. I’m so happy.” I saved the message. It may have to stay on the machine for the rest of my life.

If the results of his tests are fine, they can go home tomorrow. She has asked me to be at the hospital early, because if it’s good news, she’ll need help getting him and all their stuff home. And if it’s bad news, she said, with tears, she’ll need a pair of comforting arms. “Look at him, Anna,” I said. “How can it be bad news?”

The depth of feeling is incomprehensible. As I walk, I think of him, of her. Seeing other children, I want to watch them, be with them. A whole new level has been carved into my being. A new umbilical cord has been sewn onto my body, my heart, leading directly across town.

But I didn’t go over there today – had to try to regain my own life and to leave her with her friends and the baby’s father. She didn’t need me today. She may need me tomorrow. And then, she said, we have to pick out the perfect outfit for him to meet his grandfather. Because her dad is coming in tomorrow evening. He’s staying here. I have to clean up. Sometime.

Went to runfit – it’s Wednesday – and as I sped around, I thought, My grandmothers sure didn’t do fitness classes. We’re a different breed. Carole, my favourite teacher and inspiration, is the grandmother of 3 teenagers. She looks about 45 and runs many miles a week. As I said, a new breed.

Another big decision today – I went to my hairdresser to get my hair coloured, as usual – if you saw the pictures on the blog, in the one of me holding him, you can see my silver roots. I have been toying with not dyeing my hair any more, and yesterday I looked at that silver and said, It’s time. I’m Glamma. I’ll reclaim my real hair. But then I thought, I’ll look washed out and old, and cycled off to have Greg apply his magic.

But Donny, my hairdresser and friend Ingrid’s partner in business and life, took one look at me and said, Why don’t  you go silver? He sensed what I was feeling. We had a consultation inside, Greg, Ingrid, and Donny, and it was decided – it’s time. They put a rinse on that began to silverize the whole thing, and soon I’ll have it cut to get rid of the brown, and it’ll be just me – Glamma, silver grey-brown, old and wise. With very red lipstick, in her runfit class.

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About Beth

I began keeping a journal at the age of nine. Nearly fifty years later, I started this online journal, sharing reflections, reviews, updates, and the occasional secret.

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